A Little Bit Pregnant

One more week of waiting to go. I've been awaiting March 26th as the next milestone in our journey, but yesterday it occurred to me there is nothing magic about that date. Implantation occurs 1-3 days after a Day 5 transfer. It suddenly dawned on me that right now I'm either pregnant or I'm not.

I shared my thoughts with Ryan. "Well, um... isn't that kind of how it always is? Aren't you always either pregnant or not pregnant?" True. It's not like there's any other option. No such thing as being a little bit pregnant. Every woman is either pregnant or she's not.

But the difference is that for me, I'm always not pregnant. When we're not in the depths of an IVF cycle, I never even wonder if I might be pregnant. I don't think about birth control and I bought my last at-home pregnancy test a long time ago. Because I'm not. Ever. Pregnant.

But right now, as I write this, I'm not necessarily not pregnant. Both options are current possibilities. And if my pregnancy test is positive next Friday, that means I'm pregnant right now.

So, do I feel pregnant? Very much so. But that's because I'm on killer doses of estrogen and progesterone, which mimic all the symptoms of pregnancy. Weight gain, sore breasts, fatigue, moodiness--you name it.

But besides all those symptoms, I've had this strange sensation in my lower right abdomen for several days. The best description I can offer is that it's kind of a tugging, pinching, twitching pinpoint prick. Too small to be called a cramp (though I've had those too). But it's a definite, very localized sensation.

I looked it up online and lots of women claim that's the feeling of implantation. It does kind of feel like something is burrowing. Others say it's just the hormones at work.

I've never seen a positive pregnancy test. You know--where you pee on a stick and see two pink lines. I've had lots of one-line pregnancy tests. I meant to do one after I found out I was pregnant with Tess, just so I could I finally see two pink lines. But once I knew I was pregnant, pink lines weren't that interesting anymore.

An at-home pregnancy test wouldn't do me a lot of good right now, because I have so many hormones coursing through my body, it wouldn't give an accurate result. That means I'll just have to wait until March 26th.

Even though, right now, I am either pregnant or not.