Going There

When I was driving home from my appointment this morning, I asked Heavenly Father how much longer this was going take. I got the distinct feeling that He has been asking me the same question.

I've done a good job of holding it together during this process. I have not had the same feelings of fear and desperation that I experienced last time around. I've told myself that's because they weren't there. We have Tess. I'm a mom. Ryan's a dad. We're a family. That makes a world of difference.

So there's no need to fall apart over it. It's a medical procedure. Not even a really serious medical procedure. Not chemo or a kidney transplant or heart surgery. Get it done. If it works, great. If not, then well, OK.

During our Relief Society lesson today, we were talking about the Creation and how we had to come to earth to gain experience and progress to be like our Father in Heaven. Here's the question I raised: "We know that in premortal life we reached the maximum point of our progression, so we had to come to earth to progress further. What is it about mortal trials that helps us become like Heavenly Father? I mean really. We all have different ones, but what's so great about these earthly trials? We all have different trials: Losing a job. Miscarriage. Financial strain. Divorce. Car breaks down. What do any of things have to do with progression--becoming like Heavenly Father?"

It's something I've thought about--not lately, though. I've made a pretty concerted effort to numb it all out and avoid thinking about it. Because I know the answer. I learned it last time around, and I had to go to a pretty dark and excruciating place before I learned it. I've done all I can to avoid revisiting it.

But the answer and truth of the matter is that progression comes through trials only when you reach that really dark place and realize you just can't do it on your own. It's bigger than you, and no matter how capable you are or how hard to try, you just can't do it without help. And Christ and His atonement is the only help encompassing enough to pull you through it. You have to have enough faith to turn it over to Him.

If there's anything infertility and IVF will teach you, it's that you have no control. Numbers of eggs, size of follicles, hormone levels, uterine lining--I have no control. I have to hand it over to Him. Is there more to our family than just us 3? I don't know. I have no control--I have to hand it over to Him. If it is just us 3--are we enough? I have to hand it over to Him.

OK, I've gone there. I'm crying and sick and my head is pounding and I know I don't have it all together and I can't do it on my own. I'm handing it over.

The phone just rang. We trigger tonight for retrieval on Tuesday morning at 10:15.