Thursday, April 24, 2008

Bessie Higgenbottom Options

I emailed some of my friends about the Bessie Higgenbottom Dilemma. One wrote back, "Oh my!" Another told me she hit reply and just didn't know what to say.

My friend Stephanie came up with the most constructive ideas. She is French-Canadian and has 7 names! (During ward conference they read the names of all the auxiliary leaders. When they got to her name for the Primary Presidency, they got through about 4 of the names and just kind of gave up. They didn't even read her last name--the name she goes by in the ward!)

Her response is the only one that has made me feel any better, so here it is:

Ok, you have options.

You call Tess Tessie until September 2013; then she becomes strictly Tess or Tessa.

You call Ryan’s parents to explain the chauvinist nature of last names. You’ve decided to adopt a matriarchal stance in your home. You are now the Murdock family.

You set fire to the Nickelodeon studios.

You kidnap Amy Poehler and demand immediate cancellation of show.

You carry mace; anyone who says, “Have you heard about a new show called Be…” PSSSTTT. The end.

Tess carries mace to kindergarten. Tess never joins the Girl Scouts. Tess never learns about bees or honey.

Life is full of wonderful options! A little creativity adds that pizzazz, that je-ne-sais-quoi I’m-going-to-kill-you-if-you-mention-this to an otherwise humdrum existence. Who wants to be another boring Julie Jones? Ann Smith? Jessica Johnson? Really! Let’s celebrate those of us who are stuck with seven names! Hurray Tessie Higgenbotham, she of the pepper spray fame, she of the ballsy leave-me-alone look, she of the unique name!

If anything else, I think there’s room for a creative lawsuit against Nick here. Let’s guarantee Tessie a nice, free college education!

Yours,

Stephanie Elsa Inge Sarah Angeline Dupal Demartin

You notice, however, that she spelled my last name wrong--like it is in the cartoon. The creep has already begun. Sigh.

1 comments:

Maureen said...

LOL, she's a hoot! I like the "Murdock" option :)